Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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