i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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