Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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