Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
