It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
