the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Randomize