I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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