We got so high we made milksteak
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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