I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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