I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
