No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
