My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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