you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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