never play flip cup with pint glasses
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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