My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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