It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
