yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I can't put those talents on a resume
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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