i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I look better un-naked...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
