My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
