dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
