Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
