We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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