i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
