He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
