She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize