I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm bleeding and have questions
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize