Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
