what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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