her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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