You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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