I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
