Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
