Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize