community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
