he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He has the fingertips of a God
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