I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
God I need to hump something, right now.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
