Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
