I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
