my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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