My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
