Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
