Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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