tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
