Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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