I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
