My underwear smells like fireworks.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
