mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We are all done wearing pants today
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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