I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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