I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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