Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
