if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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