my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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