is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
