you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
