The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
