my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
