why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
